Hope in the Garden...

It's Brenda here, with another planted blog post. It is Brain Injury Awareness Month, so I thought this would be a good time to share something personal. It's going to be centered around my acquired brain injury; frontal lobe syndrome. It has come on with a vengeance in the past couple of weeks. I've been experiencing a life changing event with my career, where I was placed in a new position almost 2 months ago. I've been learning a lot and finding that it's okay to take it upon myself to branch out and glean all that I can.

I'm also experiencing something that I've not in almost 20 years. I actually can make a suggestion or try to find a solution, and it actually is received, not discounted. That is huge for me. I've always been a fixer, but have felt that I've been stifled every time I would make a suggestion in my last position. I needed a change and this definitely has been a good one. It hasn't come without its challenges, but I feel I'm starting to make some headway. Notice my choice of words? It's not a coincidence. I enjoy this job because I've been able to establish my own way of doing things that works for me. I have to be organized. That is part of who I am. I'm also more sensitive and that will be explored more in the next paragraph.

As I mentioned in the first paragraph, I live with an acquired brain injury; frontal lobe syndrome which is trauma to the brain. It presented itself about a month after having had a craniotomy to remove a nonmalignant right frontal lobe meningioma brain tumor. I didn't know what this was at first and it was frightening. I thought something was seriously wrong with me. It was a dark time. The last few weeks I've experienced a bad bout with frontal lobe syndrome. For me, it usually occurs when I see someone that I care about being hurt or wronged. In this case, it has been me. I've also been dealing with massive physical pain, as I also live with rheumatoid arthritis (RA) and in the past couple of years was diagnosed with osteoarthritis (OA) in my ankles. It makes it extremely difficult to walk and that does not help my lower back which tightens up. The lump behind my right knee, known as a Baker's cyst has also been my nemesis. With our wacky weather pattern, I experience what is called barometer head. It is real and feels like an inflamed joint, only inside of my head. I keep a lot of this to myself, but writing for me is cathartic, so I thought sharing with my readers might be a good way to start. 

Living with this type of acquired brain injury has been a blessing and a curse. I've said this many times. I even ended up composing a poem about this last year. I'm not good at expressing myself in person. I am many times gravely misunderstood. The connotation ends up being misconstrued and it turns into a big mess. I find it easier to compose an email or be able to share examples, which I have been able to do in a work setting. I've been told I'm a great communicator. Believe me, it's a lot different, when the words come out of my mouth. I want to make everything right and that is not how life works. I am cognizant of all of this, but sometimes it takes my brain a bit more time to register. It's frustrating and like I said before, I can become gravely misunderstood. As a result, I have lost friends throughout this journey. They simply could not accept my new normal. That stings because I had been a good friend to each one for years, never judging or being critical of their lifestyle. 

I'm a pretty open-minded person. When the tables were turned and I needed that compassion or support, it simply was not there. I made the painful decision to distance myself and walk away from decades of friendships. 

My one saving grace throughout this whole journey, has been writing in my journal on a daily basis. I am currently on my 15th one. I seriously started with this practice on March 8, 2009, six months to the day, of having had my craniotomy. Dates are a thing with brain injured persons and I'm not referring to romance here. This Friday will be 15½ years since I became a brain tumor survivor. 

Every event in my life became much more meaningful to me. I was not blogging at the time of my craniotomy but started almost a year after. My late mother would read my blog posts and would offer suggestions of what might be of interest to my readers. She was also my caregiver after my brain surgery. She had suggested for years that I write my thoughts down. It wasn't until the day of her funeral, that I found out that she wrote poetry. We never found any while going through her things. She had most likely destroyed it, as she was an extremely private person, when it came to expressing her feelings. That was all a  part of her German heritage, as we tend to be not so open with our feelings. 

My brain tumor experience opened a whole new world for me. I've always been shy by nature, always watching from the outside. It took almost a year, but one day I sat down and composed my first blog post. I had no idea what I was doing or where it would even lead. I took a risk and went with it. It came out of a situation where I had misunderstood something by mixing up the details, which almost caused a friendship to break down. After realizing what I had done and apologizing for my error, I'm happy to say that it all worked out. This same person told me me later, that I was a good writer. Coming from an author, that could cause one's head to swell a bit. You see my sense of humor still remained intact, although it is still dry. I'm good with that. 

The title of this planted blog post is; "Hope in the Garden" and that is what I want to end with. There is  always HOPE. I have a friend who has said; "Hope is something you can wrap your arms around." I strive to cling to HOPE every day. It's not always easy, as I am human. I may end up saying or doing something, I wished I hadn't. My acquired brain injury causes me to perhaps take things more personally. It's part of my new normal. I'm thankful that I can feel. I have developed more empathy for others and even myself. It is okay to feel that way. I've thought in the past that was selfish, but have begun to realize that if I don't look out for myself, I will be no good to anyone else. I need to believe in myself. Every day I strive to honor my mother's memory by living my life, a promise I made to her while she was dying in the nursing home. This blog is all a part of that promise, as she loved gardening and watching things grow in the process. I get it now. That is how I feel about writing. 

The one thing my mother told me in the nursing home is that she wanted me to be happy. At this point, I don't know what that means. I'm being real here. If you live with an acquired brain injury such as frontal lobe syndrome, it can be hard to deal with at times. I've been sobbing for weeks because even though I've been experiencing some great things, it can become too stimulating or overwhelming. I've been told I don't have a right to get angry or to feel a certain way in the past. I end up shutting down or isolating myself, which I've ultimately been doing. My HOPE in all of this has been, being able to write my thoughts down in a journal. 

I want to encourage you as this planted blog post comes to an end, to find what works for you to help cultivate your gardens of life. My seed of enrichment for this time is something I wrote back in 2011. I HOPE it encourages you to find how to express yourself in a healthy way.

Until next time, KEEP BLOOMING! 

❤️Brenda 

"Expressing your emotions by keeping a journal, writing a blog or perhaps some poetry, can truly prove to be cathartic." @blk 

                                                                             Unknown Source