Alone in the Garden...

It's time for another planted blog post. This will be the final one for 2023. As you know this month, marked one year since Bloom with Brenda began. I want to thank my special guest contributor and companion, Trevor aka T Man, for once again bringing a heartfelt tale. 💛🦮❤️

This time I will be walking alone in my figurative garden. As you know, this blog was created in memory of my mother. She loved her garden so much. I never understood as a child, why that was so important to her. Now as a grown woman, I totally get it. My writings have a special meaning for me. It's something that is created before my very eyes, watching the words flow across the page, line by line. My mother described my first blogs much the same way. She said; "I didn't know you could write like that, it just flows." My response; "I didn't know I could either." I guess in some small way, I found my love of writing, much like my mother loved her garden.

Some of what I write and share here is figurative. I'm a visual person and have what I call a personal vision for this blog. It was my personal vision when I had the great pleasure of working with a unique online publication as an editor for 3 years, to give it life and breath. It was one of my greatest joys and it actually led to another great opportunity, becoming a contributing writer for 3 books and ultimately co-authoring 2 others in the span of several years. 

I've had a chance to evaluate my life as of late. It has been a challenging year. My health has not been the greatest, even though my RA remains in clinical joint remission. I still live with the disease, it's that things are quiet at the moment. I deal with other medical challenges, as I'm sure my other readers do as well. We don't always talk about them, but deal with those quietly behind the scenes. 

I believe in being transparent here and hopefully give you something to ponder about in your own gardens and how you can make them flourish. I realize we are all not gardeners here. I'm unable to keep a plant alive to save my soul, but I can share a story, that I hope will help nourish it... just the same. 

As you know this time of year can be lonely for some. I have a goal this year to get some projects done around the apartment. I'm not sure it will all get completed, but at least I'm aiming for something. For me keeping busy will help to keep my mind off of all that is thrown at a single person. It's great that you have your family gatherings, etc. Some of us are not that fortunate. I'm not sharing this to bring anyone down, it's simply a fact. 

Things have changed a lot in the past 3 years. I could usually go to the mall on Christmas Eve to at least get out of the apartment for a few hours to be around others. There is no longer an active taxi service in this town, so I no longer have that option. A lot also depended on the weather and how I would feel on any given day, but it was still nice to have that to fall back on, if it were to work out. 

I'm so grateful for the grocery delivery services that have been provided. It has been a godsend, not having to do all of that shopping and then to have to put it away after. I'm not sure how I did it before. That takes a lot of energy. Did you know that living with pain 24/7 is exhausting? It's something I don't talk about with every person I come in contact with. Those that I share with are the ones I can trust to understand that it is not easy. We all have something to deal with, not everything is visible. 

I really try to be supportive of others, as I'm a helper by nature. I still feel alone at times, when I try to fit in. I keep telling myself, (yes, I talk a lot to myself) that it really isn't necessary to fit in. Doing your own thing and being an individual is really okay. It would be a pretty dull world if we were all the same. While I know this to be true, it still is hard at times to be left out of plans or not knowing something about a situation. 

I had a dream last week about someone I knew, who was dying. I was pretty much the last person to know about this. I even asked about the circumstances behind it and no one could or would even share the details with me. I even asked that person who was dying about it and they would not even tell me. I felt like I had a right to know, so I could try and help them through their last days. I woke up crying, it was that real. My dreams are pretty intense at times and vivid too. 

I've been on my own since I was 21 years old. My career has expanded over 40 years in the medical field, something that I'm most proud of. Having been single for so long, society tends to put you in a box. I've had conversations asking me if I have children, that's the norm you know, at least in society's eyes. Another question that occurs; "So you've never been married?" I always reply with; "The right person has never come along." If you think this has been a choice, you couldn't be more mistaken. As I have grown older, yes I'm in my 60s now, the desire to have a male friend or companion of some sort, has not magically gone away. 

I don't have the luxury of getting to travel extensively. As some of my readers know, I'm a brain tumor survivor and that experience has resulted in bouts of vertigo at times. I attempted a trip back in 2011 on an airplane, which resulted in a disaster from the onset, as soon as the plane took off, something in my head started to make me very sick. I knew it had to be from the brain tumor experience, as this had never happened before, even with experiencing turbulence. I decided from that point on, especially after 2 more flights with the same result, taking another trip on an airplane, was out of the question. You think this doesn't bother me? I looked so forward to that trip. There were parts of it that were most enjoyable, being connected with other brain tumor survivors, as it was a meet and greet weekend. We ended up renting a car on the way back and some of you know about that adventure, if you followed my last blog. Here it is, for those of you who are not familiar with that tale. 

https://brendasbrainstormandtrevor.blogspot.com/2017/05/the-big-o-maha-talemeningioma-mommas.html

I'm not against taking a road trip for the day, as I have and they have been most enjoyable. In 2014 while I was still editor of that unique online publication mentioned above, my first entrant from Canada wanted to come to North Dakota to meet me. We had a wonderful time exploring the western part of the state and doing activities around the capital city. It's a week I will always treasure. She's a spectacular photographer and gifted me with photographs from that wonderful week. 

Getting back to sometimes being lonely. I would love to be able to go out to dinner or a movie, with a male  my age, who shares common interests. I don't think that is asking too much. I had a wonderful time with a friend who treated me to a dinner, but has since moved away. It was an evening I will always treasure. It was wonderful to spend quality time together. I would like to have more times like that. I think that is a normal feeling to have. We all need friendships/companionship in our lives. 

To be clear, I'm comfortable in my own skin. It has to start there, but that doesn't mean that there are not times, that I would like to be able to have some fun and be with others in the real world. I love going to rock concerts. I've had others tell me; "I can't see you liking that type of music, especially classic rock." Again, putting me in that box. One of my greatest memories is of my BIL who is no longer on this earth and what he did one weekend. He decided to play the song; "Rock of Ages" by Def Leppard for my parents. When they heard the title, of course thinking it would be the hymn. I was roaring with laughter along with my BIL. We had similar tastes in music. He told me once, that he liked my collection of music. I even ended up making him a CD for Christmas with songs I thought he would enjoy. I found out that he ended up listening to it on a road trip. He gave me a CD with Christmas Comedy. We got each other and I miss him so much. 

I don't have family that I keep in touch with near so of course, loneliness sets in at times. I hope what I've shared here is relatable in some aspects, if you find yourself feeling alone at times. It's okay to express how you feel. Those that truly care, will allow us to be real. 

To end this planted blog post, I will be sharing another seed of enrichment. I hope you find it encouraging. 

Until next time, KEEP BLOOMING! 

❤️ Brenda

"Being there for someone even when you may not have the words, could be all that person needs." @blk 💛❤️